Thursday, October 22, 2009

Desire, or, The Real Reason You're Not Getting Any

So I came to the realization the other night (well, maybe not THE realization - let's call it a key point of my musing) that the issues I seem to be having with my dating life may actually be due to something that at first glance would have nothing to do with romance, per se.

I'm sure at some point, you've experienced a situation wherein something or someone was unattainable - and that made it/them all the more attractive or desirable. The old "forbidden fruit," as it were.

Well, this is sort of a sub-branch/genre (?) of that whole thing. But hang with me here.

You see, I'm not so sure it's just the "forbidden fruit" thing - the fact that whatever it is, it's inherently unattainable - because really, that's almost more of a "you shouldn't" (i.e., this is probably not a good idea) rather than a "you can't," as in, it's impossible under current conditions. That, I think, is probably more akin to insanity. (Although I admit it is difficult to distinguish between the two at times.) In any case, a "shouldn't" situation still allows for it to play out as you hope, whereas the "can't" situation is basically like hoping you can somehow violate the laws of physics (unless we're talking about quantum physics, in which case apparently there are no rules... thanks, Schrodinger, you and your cat can go fuck off now.*)

Philosophy aside... okay, so let's focus on, say, a love triangle to better illustrate this. Person A desires Person B, who is actually in a relationship with Person C and pretty happy about it as well. In terms of a triangle, the direction of the "vectors" are all pointing away from each other, except in the case of B and C, which is, obviously, a dual-headed vector (a feature you can also find on newer vaccuum cleaners**)... okay, actually, this isn't even a triangle. It's triangular, yes, but you're missing a side, since as far as we know, A and C have no desire for each other (although this would definitely make for a more interesting problem and potentially a seven-episode story arc on a TV drama of your choosing.)

ANYWAY, so in this case, it's not just that B is unattainable - let's say, for the purpose of this example, that B could potentially be interested in A, under different circumstances or after enough "drank units," but frankly, the opportunity cost really isn't economical and the case isn't compelling enough - but for A, the possibility of this happening is enough of a reason to hope it could happen. So, that's your classic "forbidden fruit" analogy.

But what if A actually isn't, per se, desirous of B, but rather the actual relationship between B and C (although A doesn't actually realize it, being not quite as painfully self-knowing/self-aware as say, your author) and is actually just projecting the desire for what B and C actually have as A's desire for B? In other words, A (without realizing it) doesn't actually want B, just what B and C have, and if it's with B, well, great, but if for some reason D (who was not an option until I just made them up) came along and provided the same thing as B+C, is A going turn that down? Nope. A jumps at that shit, and probably doesn't even care to check to see if B is 1) aware and 2) jealous (because A is not self-hating, bitter prick like I sometimes am.)

Okay, hold on, let me break this down equation-style:

A -----> B <-----> C

A -----> B [or] object(B+C)

A -----> object(A+D) [or] object(A+B) = object(B+C)

Yeah? No. Whatever. Anyway, the point is, if you want to call it love, A basically equates the "love" of B+C to "getting" B and presumes that will take care of things, which is why A+D is also okay.

SOOOOOO, what I'm getting at is that it doesn't have to be the fact that someone is "unattainable" that may make them, for some reason, more attractive - it may actually just be the fact that they have a passion for something at all, and for some reason this makes us want to be the object of that passion, since that beats the opposite (which I guess would be no passion at all?)

Right, so I can't actually test this, so I'm gonna go off of my personal experience (and I could be totally wrong here.) But first, let me explain how I got on this topic...

Since getting out of my last long-term relationship, that whole arena has been mostly a frustrating series of false-starts, misreads, and self-doubt. (Well, okay, I grant you that the self-doubt thing may not be inherently related, but whatever.)

On the one hand, I can theorize that this is because, generally, I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to the whole dating scene. I don't function very well in the bar scene - what usually happens is that I end up feeling way too intimidated, drink too much to overcome the intimidation, and then make an ass of myself, assuming I actually do anything. Otherwise I tend to just be judgemental of the girls I see in bars, probably because it's easier to project my own self-loathing on them in the form of CLEAR AND PRESENT MORAL SUPERIORITY. (Also, let's be honest: there are some goddamn sorostitutes, and it is our duty to judge them. This is the role they serve in society.)

And that's with the girls that I don't know. I mean, that's relatable, I guess - plenty of guys get a little bit of anxiety in these situations, and a lot of guys strike out - but oftentimes I feel like the odd man out in this town. It seems like the bro-skis at some point had some training in being jerks and still picking up women; I appear to have missed that class before I graduated from high school.

I also spent the first 3 years (2.5, but whatever) of college in a relationship. So maybe when there was supposed to be this crucial period of drunken, lascivious jackassery occurring, I was busy being a pretty okay boyfriend and wondering what the hell was wrong with guys who were single... it couldn't be that hard.

NEWSFLASH: IT IS.

Okay, so ignore the bar scene; outside of that, gatherings, workplace, wherever, I just fundamentally do not understand how to interact with someone that I'm interested in, with a mind towards making them interested in me. Oh, on a rational, academic level, I understand flirting, and I can watch other people and analyze the shit out of it. When it comes to me though... I got nothing. If I'm consciously "spitting game," then not only do I seem like kind of a jerk, but I myself am aware of what I'm doing, and I feel a little bit disgusting; on the other hand, I rarely find myself in situations where I'm unconsciously, naturally flirting. Mostly because my rampaging self-awareness crashes in to point out to me that, "Hey! You're doing it! You're doing it!" in much the same manner that a proud parent watches their kid finally ride down the street without training wheels... and in that same vein, has that moment of horrified realization that, no, they're not doing it, they don't even know how to brakeOHFUCK and then their kid crashes into a curb or a tree or a parked car or the next door neighbor's dog. Kind of like that, except this is all internal dialogue that manages to happen in the span of 3 - 10 seconds, and then we each go about our business and separate ways, and I manage to self-flagellate for the next hour or so. Point being, from an evolutionary standpoint, my genetic line would probably normally not able to keep going, so I can only rely on what I assume is pity most of the time.

Right, okay, so back to the main idea here. So since I've come back on the market, so to speak, I've spent an inordinate amount of time desperately trying to get back off the market - and I think that there may actually be some sort of invisible desperation pheromone that I'm giving off. Yet, you'd think that with the amount of time I (kind of) spend on it, eventually my luck would change, right? Sort of a probability thing? Nah.

And that's how I came to realize this the other night - desperation is not attractive. (Duh.) By which I mean, even if your intentions aren't blatantly obvious, there is still some unconscious awareness on the part of both people that someone is just trying a little too hard.

However! Let's say you have something you're just absolutely passionate about - if it was a person, you'd be head-over-heels in love - and that's where you focus that same energy (both positively and angry), because that's where you're at your most authentic, stripped of any trimmings, for better or worse.

Let's tie that back to our good old open-ended love triangle from before. You've forgotten it already? Okay... go back and read it. I'll wait.

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Alright alright? So recall how I theorize that A might not necessarily be attracted specifically to B - the attraction might be actually be to the equivalent of (B+C), but is basically best manifested as B?

In a more tangible form, when you have your passion consuming you and all that energy, in some ways, I think that in the same way it strips away an outer facade that we build up for ourselves, partially as a protective measure and partially as a attraction measure - people want to be liked, right? But if it's really at our most visceral level that attraction sometimes comes from, then doesn't it follow that at our most authentic, if someone was going fall for us, that's when they SHOULD?!?

My own personal experience seems to quasi-confirm this theory; like I said at the beginning, I could be way off, but whatever, I still think my theory holds true. ANYWAY, so according to my ex, she first found herself attracted to me when she came (with a couple of our mutual friends) to see my high school-era band play a battle of the bands; and I can promise you it wasn't a physical attraction - I took off my shirt at one point and the crowd's reaction ACTUALLY MADE ME PUT IT BACK ON after one song. Six months later, when we encountered each other again in the two nights that led to us beginning our relationship, I was hard at work writing/recording my first album, eschewing school (I had a FUCKING FULL-RIDE SCHOLARSHIP, which I proceeded to piss all over - at least I have my artistic integrity [?!?]) and any general sense of responsibility and/or reality... the former situation had me in full-on band mode (just ask my former bandmates - I was straight-up creative, dedicated, and probably NUTS), and the latter situation was a combination of creativity and wonder at the things I was able to do - in both cases, I was "in love" with my music, you know? In any case, I highly doubt it was my "charms" that made me attractive to her - but I think she sensed that fire in me and wanted it, maybe without completely realizing it.

Obviously, it's not everything - you still need a lot of other things to make a healthy relationship work, and once I'm in one, I think I'm a pretty decent partner overall, but yeah, that was kind of my realization.

So fast forward to the present, and now, being jobless, broke, single, and overall not incredibly happy, it occurs to me that in order for me to "love" someone else, I need to love something in my life, which, given the current state of things is difficult to find, but in all honesty... I still have music. I have SO MUCH music... and yeah, it's really hard to find people to play it with, and it's a little frustrating, but you know... my best high time recently was getting to play an acoustic set in front of my friends, co-workers, and someone I was pursuing at the time (and if I do say so, I was definitely some sort of confident in regards to her - probably because I was IN THE ZONE), and in watching a video of the aforementioned battle of the bands... Okay, I have terrible stage presence and crowd interaction, I'll grant you that, but when we were firing on all cylinders that night, you can just see it in my body language and in my face - it was pure bliss. That's where I'm happy. That's where I'm awesome. That's where my fire is..

And so what if the EP hasn't done as well as I wish it would have? I still went and did it, and between that and the first album, you know, that's 20 songs THAT ARE MINE. Nobody can take that away from me.

(Side note that partially adds maybe some weight to my theory: a former interest of mine came back into my life right as the EP was coming out... and I was kind of IN THE ZONE then too, because things got started up between us again. Granted, it turned into a shitstorm, but I suppose I can also blame this on my disappointment with the EP's sales, which of course crossed over into the rest of my life and made me less attractive, but still. I think the theory holds water.)

And weirdly enough, so, I was reading a book by Nick Hornby - "A Long Way Down" - and in it, there's an American musician who, along with the other three main characters, tries to commit suicide on New Year's Eve, but then they all refrain - anyway, so basically, he had a band (and they tried real hard? Okay, sorry) and they were moderately successful, but then they break up and he's stranded in England, and to make matters worse, his girlfriend dumps him, ostensibly because "she can't be with him anymore if he's not going to be a musician." So he's in the shitter, delivering pizza and contemplating suicide... anyway, so the whole plot of the book centers around these four characters finding reasons to live, but at the end, he somehow meets up with girlfriend and ex-bandmate, and his girlfriend clarifies what she meant - she didn't leave him because he wasn't in a band anymore, but because it appeared he had given up on the one thing that he loved more than anything else - music. So they don't get back together, but I think she had a good point (obviously, since it sort of lends credence to what I'm saying) - how can you give love to others if you can't love yourself, or by extension, the thing that most makes you... you? Anyway, it was an odd coincidence, but I'll take it.

So really, the point is, find what it is in life that makes you happy, and go do that. The rest, I think, will just follow. :-)

















Notes:

*Yeah, I realize it's very much a gross oversimplification of quantum physics and the whole thing with Schrodinger's cat, and I'm probably really referring to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, but if you're still reading this note and shaking your head, you know what that makes you? A GODDAMN NERD. NERRRRRRRRRRD!

**I just made that up.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

pride, possibly in the name of love maybe

things that are a plus:

1) in the last week, i've dropped from 58 to 43 on the Burns Depression Checklist. So now, instead of being severely depressed, i'm evidently only MODERATELY depressed. i can only assume that this is a positive step of some sort.

on the other hand, if you look at my counter, i look like a damn alcoholic. granted, this is about 2 weeks' worth of drinking there, but there's easily at least 30 standard(?) empty bottles of beer there... from me... drinking by myself. i haven't done dishes in about a week, i have clean laundry chilling on my couch and my drums are kind of packed up all over my living room (as opposed to, say, my dining room, or family room... i have 3 rooms in my place, if you count the bathroom as one.)

it's a combination of things, to be honest. obviously, my last post dealt with a sort of realization - a fear, of sorts, of fully committing to anything, and the possible reasons behind that. what i think i might have left out is the effect that it's had on my creative process and my life, to some extent, in general.

musically, i think i have a lot of great ideas, but executing them to their full extent is evidently rather difficult for me. you see, i think "Highland Park" was something of a red herring for me - even as i was the one who wrote the songs, i had the advantage of having sort of "field-tested" them with a full band, as it was really supposed to be Nearfall's first album, so i at least had an idea of the arrangements and such. and frankly, some of how those songs turned out was because of how they ended up working when i was in Nearfall - the compromises i made on songs to make sure they would work for us ended up becoming habit. if nothing else, they had input from people who weren't inside of my head at all times (not that i am implying that there are people inside of my head at all times or at any times for that matter. in case you were wondering.)

and no, there wasn't an overarching "theme," if you will, for "Highland Park." it was basically a collection of songs that i had written and decided to release. i can claim a sort of musical story arc (like one of those ones we always used to use in middle and high school to chart a story's progression... the name escapes me at the moment) - i think there's a rise and fall of tension, kind of, on that album, or an attempt at it - and if nothing else, it serves as a unified collection of where and who i was in that time (late high school/early college?)

"A Preview of What Lies Behind Us," on the other hand, was deliberately an EP - i knew that there was no way i could tie any of it together. to some extent, i'm okay with that, but at the same time, i kind of feel like it was whatever i had that was just... "finished." and maybe there's something to be said for why certain songs were finished or why i was motivated to complete them as opposed to others, but you really can't claim any sort of raison d'etre that explains how all of the songs are connected... which is sort of why the release has the title it has - about half of the songs on there came from the time of Nearfall and just had never really been fleshed out, and the other half kind of show maybe what i'm capable of in general, so i guess it's a glimpse of the future and the past... you know?

i realize that for most people, this is relatively a small issue (this probably goes without saying... given that i am kind of the sole driving force behind my work. well, not true, but whatever. maybe the sole executive force. yeah. we'll go with that.) in fact, i'm pretty sure that i'm sounding like a pretentious "artist" as opposed to what i really kind of am... which is just a (to this point) relatively unsucessful multi-instrumental musician with a mediocre singing voice... who just happens to really care about this more than i think i can really explain.

at the moment, i've sort of lost my train of thought, but i've decided to put up some of my old writings from my freshman year at UNI... i know just getting this out on paper (MSnotepad?) sometimes helps more than i remember, and a certain webcomic i've been reading lately has inspired me to maybe not hold everything in as much. so we're gonna keep trying this.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

a realization of a fear

small revelation:

i think i unconciously keep myself from really becoming a part of anything larger, or fully committing to anything more than just me. the catch to this, however, is that it only it serves to isolate me, to make me feel even more lonely at times than i already feel.

examples:

- when it comes to music that is not my own, in trying to work with other musicians, i find that i either a) refuse to branch out to anyone new at all or b) beg off or disappear after a few sessions. why? i suspect this has to do with the way that i left nearfall. all the energy and time i put into that band at that age, and then the frustration in realizing that it wasn't going to become what i wanted it to be, and the subsequent severing of ties with the rest of the band made me leary of working with others, of seeing my vision taken away, destroyed, my dreams stomped on and ruined right in front of me. to that end, even when it involves my own work and having complete control over it, my reluctance to trust others with my work keeps me from finding people to go out and play with - and thereby keeps me in the same defeated, but less vulnerable, position i find myself in. along the same lines, i find it hard to even go and jam or write with other people for much the same reason - why put work into something that will most likely never come to fruition or worse, be grotesquely distorted beyond what is enjoyable for me?

-my workplace (and by extension, my social circle). when i first moved to my current store, i assumed that it would be an easy transfer - unfortunately, it was not. not only did i not have a definite spot available for me, it would be six months before one would open up - and it would be a demotion. from this, it appeared that even within an organization i had been a part of for 2.5 years, there was nothing secure about my employment, and that the store i was leaving did not see fit to better assist me in my transition - essentially leaving me out to dry. (the facts are much more nuanced and better explain the issues, but here i am explaining the perceptions of events that have led to the way i now face things.) in any case, appearances being what they were, the store i transferred into at least had somewhat of an excuse - they didn't know me and had no one to really advocate on my behalf, therefore, why waste the time investing a stranger in a valuable position? my old store, on the other hand, seemed to have washed its hands of me as soon as i left - even if it wasn't entirely the case - and therefore, i evidently came to assume that my value as an employee only went so far. in one sense, this may have been a blessing in disguise - i came to find myself working hard to prove my value once i started working at the second location, eventually resulting in my promotion to department senior and my eventual transfer to the department that i am in now (where i am well-suited in terms of knowledge base and skills.)

the flip side of this, however, was that it took me a long time to feel comfortable integrating myself into the store's social scene, and given the demographic of the store's employee base, it stung even worse than it otherwise might have. for whatever reason, i kept to myself initially (especially given that the position i was in is generally undervalued among employees) and this didn't help make me very approachable - which basically spiraled into me feeling like the eternal outsider until recently (and even then, there is still a sense for me that i will never fully feel at home with the people that i work with.)

unfortunately, my workplace is more or less my social circle. i originally moved to this city to be with my girlfriend at the time, and as a result her friends were my "friends" (i use the term lightly because i essentially only associated with them while i was around her - they were not necessarily people i would have gone out of the way to befriend and pursue a relationship of any value with.) at the same time, i felt like i had left my "real" friends behind in my old city, so any pursuit of new friendships down here evidently smacked of a betrayal of sorts to me - therefore, i grew complacent with the situation i had. unfortunately, when she and i broke up, again, the ties i had were quickly severed, a situation all the more exacerbated by a rebound relationship that i became briefly involved in - in any case, i was essentially left stranded in a city where the main form of recreation was drinking, most friendships were already made, and most people my age were in their final year of school and not looking to build any sort of relationship of substance, given the transient nature of this town.

in short, i found myself lost, floating, cut off from what i at least "knew" (even if i didn't like what was there) and not finding the alternative (the people i worked with) to be a very attractive substitute. unfortunately, circumstances didn't serve to disprove what i already seemed to perceive about the newer group, but they were my only option.

still, however, what this really served to do was to make me more reserved - a part of the group to some extent, but still always an outsider, deliberately so, just to make sure that i couldn't be "abandoned" again.

-in general, as i look back through life, i can see this trend of making sure that i was always NOT "completely" part of something - a desire not to be pigeonholed, branded, easily identifiable - and yet at the same time, recognizing that it seems to have only brought me loneliness and despair. this same trend, i believe, has begun to affect me creatively - i find it hard to commit to any sort of creative work or begin it, because of the fact that it might fail and that my time will have been wasted... and yet i have overcome this on occasion, which only seems to make me think that the creative forces behind what i do must be stronger than i can even realize, to overcome what seems to be overarching paralysis throughout the rest of my life.

then, i must ask - where does this refusal to commit myself to anything - this thread of neutrality and complacency - where does it come from? why do i let this fear of just doing something, starting something, finishing something and moving on control my life?

.....