So I came to the realization the other night (well, maybe not THE realization - let's call it a key point of my musing) that the issues I seem to be having with my dating life may actually be due to something that at first glance would have nothing to do with romance, per se.
I'm sure at some point, you've experienced a situation wherein something or someone was unattainable - and that made it/them all the more attractive or desirable. The old "forbidden fruit," as it were.
Well, this is sort of a sub-branch/genre (?) of that whole thing. But hang with me here.
You see, I'm not so sure it's just the "forbidden fruit" thing - the fact that whatever it is, it's inherently unattainable - because really, that's almost more of a "you shouldn't" (i.e., this is probably not a good idea) rather than a "you can't," as in, it's impossible under current conditions. That, I think, is probably more akin to insanity. (Although I admit it is difficult to distinguish between the two at times.) In any case, a "shouldn't" situation still allows for it to play out as you hope, whereas the "can't" situation is basically like hoping you can somehow violate the laws of physics (unless we're talking about quantum physics, in which case apparently there are no rules... thanks, Schrodinger, you and your cat can go fuck off now.*)
Philosophy aside... okay, so let's focus on, say, a love triangle to better illustrate this. Person A desires Person B, who is actually in a relationship with Person C and pretty happy about it as well. In terms of a triangle, the direction of the "vectors" are all pointing away from each other, except in the case of B and C, which is, obviously, a dual-headed vector (a feature you can also find on newer vaccuum cleaners**)... okay, actually, this isn't even a triangle. It's triangular, yes, but you're missing a side, since as far as we know, A and C have no desire for each other (although this would definitely make for a more interesting problem and potentially a seven-episode story arc on a TV drama of your choosing.)
ANYWAY, so in this case, it's not just that B is unattainable - let's say, for the purpose of this example, that B could potentially be interested in A, under different circumstances or after enough "drank units," but frankly, the opportunity cost really isn't economical and the case isn't compelling enough - but for A, the possibility of this happening is enough of a reason to hope it could happen. So, that's your classic "forbidden fruit" analogy.
But what if A actually isn't, per se, desirous of B, but rather the actual relationship between B and C (although A doesn't actually realize it, being not quite as painfully self-knowing/self-aware as say, your author) and is actually just projecting the desire for what B and C actually have as A's desire for B? In other words, A (without realizing it) doesn't actually want B, just what B and C have, and if it's with B, well, great, but if for some reason D (who was not an option until I just made them up) came along and provided the same thing as B+C, is A going turn that down? Nope. A jumps at that shit, and probably doesn't even care to check to see if B is 1) aware and 2) jealous (because A is not self-hating, bitter prick like I sometimes am.)
Okay, hold on, let me break this down equation-style:
A -----> B <-----> C
A -----> B [or] object(B+C)
A -----> object(A+D) [or] object(A+B) = object(B+C)
Yeah? No. Whatever. Anyway, the point is, if you want to call it love, A basically equates the "love" of B+C to "getting" B and presumes that will take care of things, which is why A+D is also okay.
SOOOOOO, what I'm getting at is that it doesn't have to be the fact that someone is "unattainable" that may make them, for some reason, more attractive - it may actually just be the fact that they have a passion for something at all, and for some reason this makes us want to be the object of that passion, since that beats the opposite (which I guess would be no passion at all?)
Right, so I can't actually test this, so I'm gonna go off of my personal experience (and I could be totally wrong here.) But first, let me explain how I got on this topic...
Since getting out of my last long-term relationship, that whole arena has been mostly a frustrating series of false-starts, misreads, and self-doubt. (Well, okay, I grant you that the self-doubt thing may not be inherently related, but whatever.)
On the one hand, I can theorize that this is because, generally, I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to the whole dating scene. I don't function very well in the bar scene - what usually happens is that I end up feeling way too intimidated, drink too much to overcome the intimidation, and then make an ass of myself, assuming I actually do anything. Otherwise I tend to just be judgemental of the girls I see in bars, probably because it's easier to project my own self-loathing on them in the form of CLEAR AND PRESENT MORAL SUPERIORITY. (Also, let's be honest: there are some goddamn sorostitutes, and it is our duty to judge them. This is the role they serve in society.)
And that's with the girls that I don't know. I mean, that's relatable, I guess - plenty of guys get a little bit of anxiety in these situations, and a lot of guys strike out - but oftentimes I feel like the odd man out in this town. It seems like the bro-skis at some point had some training in being jerks and still picking up women; I appear to have missed that class before I graduated from high school.
I also spent the first 3 years (2.5, but whatever) of college in a relationship. So maybe when there was supposed to be this crucial period of drunken, lascivious jackassery occurring, I was busy being a pretty okay boyfriend and wondering what the hell was wrong with guys who were single... it couldn't be that hard.
NEWSFLASH: IT IS.
Okay, so ignore the bar scene; outside of that, gatherings, workplace, wherever, I just fundamentally do not understand how to interact with someone that I'm interested in, with a mind towards making them interested in me. Oh, on a rational, academic level, I understand flirting, and I can watch other people and analyze the shit out of it. When it comes to me though... I got nothing. If I'm consciously "spitting game," then not only do I seem like kind of a jerk, but I myself am aware of what I'm doing, and I feel a little bit disgusting; on the other hand, I rarely find myself in situations where I'm unconsciously, naturally flirting. Mostly because my rampaging self-awareness crashes in to point out to me that, "Hey! You're doing it! You're doing it!" in much the same manner that a proud parent watches their kid finally ride down the street without training wheels... and in that same vein, has that moment of horrified realization that, no, they're not doing it, they don't even know how to brakeOHFUCK and then their kid crashes into a curb or a tree or a parked car or the next door neighbor's dog. Kind of like that, except this is all internal dialogue that manages to happen in the span of 3 - 10 seconds, and then we each go about our business and separate ways, and I manage to self-flagellate for the next hour or so. Point being, from an evolutionary standpoint, my genetic line would probably normally not able to keep going, so I can only rely on what I assume is pity most of the time.
Right, okay, so back to the main idea here. So since I've come back on the market, so to speak, I've spent an inordinate amount of time desperately trying to get back off the market - and I think that there may actually be some sort of invisible desperation pheromone that I'm giving off. Yet, you'd think that with the amount of time I (kind of) spend on it, eventually my luck would change, right? Sort of a probability thing? Nah.
And that's how I came to realize this the other night - desperation is not attractive. (Duh.) By which I mean, even if your intentions aren't blatantly obvious, there is still some unconscious awareness on the part of both people that someone is just trying a little too hard.
However! Let's say you have something you're just absolutely passionate about - if it was a person, you'd be head-over-heels in love - and that's where you focus that same energy (both positively and angry), because that's where you're at your most authentic, stripped of any trimmings, for better or worse.
Let's tie that back to our good old open-ended love triangle from before. You've forgotten it already? Okay... go back and read it. I'll wait.
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Alright alright? So recall how I theorize that A might not necessarily be attracted specifically to B - the attraction might be actually be to the equivalent of (B+C), but is basically best manifested as B?
In a more tangible form, when you have your passion consuming you and all that energy, in some ways, I think that in the same way it strips away an outer facade that we build up for ourselves, partially as a protective measure and partially as a attraction measure - people want to be liked, right? But if it's really at our most visceral level that attraction sometimes comes from, then doesn't it follow that at our most authentic, if someone was going fall for us, that's when they SHOULD?!?
My own personal experience seems to quasi-confirm this theory; like I said at the beginning, I could be way off, but whatever, I still think my theory holds true. ANYWAY, so according to my ex, she first found herself attracted to me when she came (with a couple of our mutual friends) to see my high school-era band play a battle of the bands; and I can promise you it wasn't a physical attraction - I took off my shirt at one point and the crowd's reaction ACTUALLY MADE ME PUT IT BACK ON after one song. Six months later, when we encountered each other again in the two nights that led to us beginning our relationship, I was hard at work writing/recording my first album, eschewing school (I had a FUCKING FULL-RIDE SCHOLARSHIP, which I proceeded to piss all over - at least I have my artistic integrity [?!?]) and any general sense of responsibility and/or reality... the former situation had me in full-on band mode (just ask my former bandmates - I was straight-up creative, dedicated, and probably NUTS), and the latter situation was a combination of creativity and wonder at the things I was able to do - in both cases, I was "in love" with my music, you know? In any case, I highly doubt it was my "charms" that made me attractive to her - but I think she sensed that fire in me and wanted it, maybe without completely realizing it.
Obviously, it's not everything - you still need a lot of other things to make a healthy relationship work, and once I'm in one, I think I'm a pretty decent partner overall, but yeah, that was kind of my realization.
So fast forward to the present, and now, being jobless, broke, single, and overall not incredibly happy, it occurs to me that in order for me to "love" someone else, I need to love something in my life, which, given the current state of things is difficult to find, but in all honesty... I still have music. I have SO MUCH music... and yeah, it's really hard to find people to play it with, and it's a little frustrating, but you know... my best high time recently was getting to play an acoustic set in front of my friends, co-workers, and someone I was pursuing at the time (and if I do say so, I was definitely some sort of confident in regards to her - probably because I was IN THE ZONE), and in watching a video of the aforementioned battle of the bands... Okay, I have terrible stage presence and crowd interaction, I'll grant you that, but when we were firing on all cylinders that night, you can just see it in my body language and in my face - it was pure bliss. That's where I'm happy. That's where I'm awesome. That's where my fire is..
And so what if the EP hasn't done as well as I wish it would have? I still went and did it, and between that and the first album, you know, that's 20 songs THAT ARE MINE. Nobody can take that away from me.
(Side note that partially adds maybe some weight to my theory: a former interest of mine came back into my life right as the EP was coming out... and I was kind of IN THE ZONE then too, because things got started up between us again. Granted, it turned into a shitstorm, but I suppose I can also blame this on my disappointment with the EP's sales, which of course crossed over into the rest of my life and made me less attractive, but still. I think the theory holds water.)
And weirdly enough, so, I was reading a book by Nick Hornby - "A Long Way Down" - and in it, there's an American musician who, along with the other three main characters, tries to commit suicide on New Year's Eve, but then they all refrain - anyway, so basically, he had a band (and they tried real hard? Okay, sorry) and they were moderately successful, but then they break up and he's stranded in England, and to make matters worse, his girlfriend dumps him, ostensibly because "she can't be with him anymore if he's not going to be a musician." So he's in the shitter, delivering pizza and contemplating suicide... anyway, so the whole plot of the book centers around these four characters finding reasons to live, but at the end, he somehow meets up with girlfriend and ex-bandmate, and his girlfriend clarifies what she meant - she didn't leave him because he wasn't in a band anymore, but because it appeared he had given up on the one thing that he loved more than anything else - music. So they don't get back together, but I think she had a good point (obviously, since it sort of lends credence to what I'm saying) - how can you give love to others if you can't love yourself, or by extension, the thing that most makes you... you? Anyway, it was an odd coincidence, but I'll take it.
So really, the point is, find what it is in life that makes you happy, and go do that. The rest, I think, will just follow. :-)
Notes:
*Yeah, I realize it's very much a gross oversimplification of quantum physics and the whole thing with Schrodinger's cat, and I'm probably really referring to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, but if you're still reading this note and shaking your head, you know what that makes you? A GODDAMN NERD. NERRRRRRRRRRD!
