Why I Should Probably Stop Being An Asshole To Complete Strangers (Una Saga De Los Dos Idiotas En Twitter)

(So this is a long and mostly-stupid story and I apologize in advance.  Also I'm lazy and don't feel like re-telling it when people ask, so I'm just going to refer them to this page for future reference, as I assume that my posts will be enshrined for the multitudes of future generations to read and think, "God, what a douche canoe.")

It all started with someone else's misfortune.

While my moderate insomnia drove me to my usual routine of checkTwittercheckFacebookcheckDeadspincheckTwittercheckTheAtlanticcheckDeadspin ad nauseum this past Tuesday (October 30th), two different unfortunate individuals were attacked and robbed at gunpoint in a different part of the city.  As a UIowa student, I receive "Hawk Alerts" when there's quote-unquote "dangers" on or near campus, but as the land line in my girlfriend's house rang 3 times, here's the actual message I received:

“ALERT: Hawk Alert: REPLACE THIS LINE: with activity/event, location, and (optional) recommended protective action. See e.uiowa.edu (More information)”

This was not what we might call especially "helpful," and in a manner indicative of the time we live in, I took to Twitter, searching the keyphrase "hawk alert."  Most of what came back were tweets pertaining to the ridiculous message above (which, notably, the official UIowa Twitter scrubbed and replaced with an apology), and I ended up getting the actual story (as I assume most people did) from the Daily Iowan story on it that was up very quickly.  (If you want to see some other Hawk Alert fails, here's a compilation from the DI.)  So anyway, that's what was up.

But of course, I didn't stop there.  Twitter is fantastic for the fact that people will post stupid shit on there and forget that unless you protect your account, it's available publicly for ANYONE to see and be all "Holy shit, you're kind of a terrible human being" about (for example, the collected tweets of St. Louis Cardinals fans do a fantastic job of displaying this.)  So as I was scrolling through the tweets collected by that search, ostensibly to get more information but mostly to, lesbehonest, hate-read (because feeling smug and superior to complete strangers is always an excellent use of one's time, especially around 1 AM CT, I'd say), I came across this little gem:

Am I the only one who isn't freaking out about the hawk alert? Maybe it's because I'm in a surveillance protected sorority house...
— Brittany Giammona (@brittgiammona) October 31, 2012

(If the embedded tweet above has disappeared, this here's the screenshot of it)

Which, okay, all sorts of what I would kind of expect from your classic airhead/over-privileged sorority gal.  I think that, given the circumstances, most people would agree that saying something like that is a bit callous, if not exactly grounds for impugning their existence as a member of the human species, right?

So, given the ease with which one can spread a stupid thing someone else has said on Twitter, I immediately retweeted it:

...and added some followup commentary:

Regarding the previous tweet, this @brittgiammona is doing a FANTASTIC job of totally NOT perpetuating any negative Greek steretypes. #not
— Matthew Hepworth (@rekrdskratcher) October 31, 2012

However, because I am a moron, I decided it would be a good idea to to keep reading this girl's feed - you know, to reinforce the already-negative conceptions I had about her (again, no one would argue that I'm a peach of an individual for doing this), whereupon THIS was a thing that existed:

I fucking hate group projects.... Especially with Asians #killme #please
— Brittany Giammona (@brittgiammona) September 13, 2012

(If the embedded tweet above has disappeared, this here's the screenshot of it)

H'OKAY THEN.

Naturally, as the certified internet vigilante of the universe™, I had the duty, nay, THE SACRED OBLIGATION to be kind of a total dick about the whole thing.

So I retweeted it as well... again, with some commentary.

Oh man, that's even better! #UIGreeks RT @brittgiammona: I fucking hate group projects.... Especially with Asians #killme #please
— Matthew Hepworth (@rekrdskratcher) October 31, 2012

Now I guess there was some anticipation that I might get some sort of response to it (for example, if you are so inclined, and have a serious amount of valueless free time on your hands [I guess?], look up Twitter activity between me and a certain @BailofRights - I waste a lot of time arguing with people who aren't going to change their minds, because I AM TERRIBLE AT TIME MANAGEMENT AMBITIOUS), but it's not exactly like I was also banking on that being the case.  I thought it'd be more along the usual shouting into the void that is the internet/Twitter/etc.  Anyway, I followed it up with my usual sage witticisms and thought I'd call it a night.

Anyway, the lesson here, as always: Twitter is a black hole of hopelessness for humanity [except for my followers you lovely lovely people]
— Matthew Hepworth (@rekrdskratcher) October 31, 2012

So I wake up the next morning (okay, actually THAT morning, but as far as I'm concerned, the previous day remains the same day until you sleep for an extended period of time, because I refuse to align myself with how time actually "works," I guess), and as I'm going through my morning routine, I see I've gotten a reply:

I think I'm being cyber bullied.... Anyone please feel free to let this @rekrdskratcher person know they're out of line and obscene....
— Brittany Giammona (@brittgiammona) October 31, 2012

1.  4:47 AM?!  WHY ARE YOU UP SO EARLY?!

2.  Cyber-bullied?!  OBSCENE?!!  OUT OF LI- okay maybe a little I guess.

This, too, got a retweet (which I had to do a workaround for, because she was apparently blocking retweets.  WEIRD) and a reply:

.@brittgiammona Ah, right.Because quoting someone directly on something *IS* bullying, yes. Maybe try being a less-entitled human being?
— Matthew Hepworth (@rekrdskratcher) October 31, 2012

And yes, that was perhaps a bit harsh, I admit.  But cyber-bullying is what people like Amanda Todd or Megan Meier endured and eventually lost their lives as a result of - so in my mind, that's more than just a little bit of histrionics on the part of Ms. Giammona, methinks.  What I actually did was, like I said, call her out on something offensive she said publicly, with her real name attached to it.  (And yes, I suppose there is a whole separate debate as to what the reasonable expectation of privacy ought to be on the internet when an individual takes no measures to protect their activities being connected to their name despite the ready availability of these measures... but anyway.)

In the course of my morning Facebook/Twitter routine, I also saw that someone had answered Ms. Giammona's cry for justice:

Emily Gaziano

Maybe you should stop being such a jackass on twitter and calling people out. What did you not get into the fraternity you wanted? Just because you are not a part of the Greek community does not mean you have to bash it. Yes there are stereotypes, I agree. But judging someone by what they tweet? It’s twitter, people write whatever they please. It’s called social media. Get over it.

As I noted on the Tumblr entry (ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: shameless plug for mediocre Tumblr), Ms. Gaziano is, among other things:

- a journalism major

- a marketing major (although prior to these, she was a "Health and Human Physiology/Sports Pyschology" major, so, you know: credibility)

- the "social media director" and a writer for this fine industry/trade publication, where she has written acclaimed articles such as:

The "Frattiest" Fraternity Member

Friends WITH OUT [sic] Benefits 

College Relationships, Will They Last for Summer?

- a member of Pi Beta Phi, whose mission statement is, quote:

"to promote friendship, develop women of integrity, cultivate leadership potential and enrich lives through community service"

...which, as we can see, would well-describe both of these ladies' remarkable and respectable interactions with yours truly.   (Note: before anyone gets all up in arms for me somehow being misogynist and expecting these women to "shut up and play nice" - uh, no, that's not at all what this was about.  Believe me, if it had been frat bros, same reactions from me.  Male or female, I don't care.  My point in bringing up the sorority mission statement is to show the distance between their alleged "good things they do that people always leave out when they bring up the stereotypes about the Greek community" and... uh... how members of this hallowed community actually act.)

So anyway, I replied to Emily.  Well, okay, I actually wrote out a more-or-less page-or-so-long rant (in Notepad, HOLLA!), and then I stepped on the power switch of the power strip that the computer I was working on was plugged into, so I lost that whole spiel - what some might say was a "sign" that I was probably taking this far too seriously - so this was the second, somewhat lazier draft:

11:10am Matthew Hepworth 

Dear Emily,

Thank you for your kind words and concern.

Originally I had this super-long rant written out that explained, point-by-point and in detail, why your message/attitude (and that of your compatriot/"sister"/colleague/friend-for-pay) was bad and wrong and what-not, but I feel like if you read your own words a couple more times there, as well as hers, you'll understand better than through any lengthy diatribe I could muster in your general direction.

Also, for someone who's a "social media director," I would consider being a little bit more internet-savvy: this message and my reply are being posted for the world to see and evaluate accordingly.

I wish you only the finest every single bit of what's coming to you.

Cheers,

Matthew

11:15am Emily Gaziano

Matt, 
Thank you so much for the threat. Happy Halloween.
Cheers mate.

Threat?!

(Okay, fine, by "keep" I mean, "once," but IMAGES ARE FUN HARF HARF HARF)

Anyway, back to Ms. Giammona - here were some reactions from some followers of mine:

But without a doubt, this may have been the best reaction:

all i want to know is why @brittgiammona is trying to cyber intimidate my dear friend @rekrdskratcher, it's just not a nice thing to do
— alan high (@alan_high) October 31, 2012

THAT'S GREAT HUSTLE! 

(h/t Drew Magary/Kissing Suzy Kolberg, a writer and an NFL blog you should probably read)

I guess here's what I was trying to do (as well as my thoughts on the results) - and then I'd like to reply to some objections that I believe may have been raised by others who saw this, but were kind enough to not do to me what I was doing to these hapless strangers.

• First of all, despite the apparent philanthropic leanings of the Pan-Hellenic community of fraternal organizations at large (which is like ALWAYS the first thing that gets brought up any time one makes negative claims about Greeks), I would argue that the actual calculus of utility would show that their charitable works are far, far outweighed by the harms that fraternity and sorority life cause to both their members and the communities in which they reside.  I don't think anyone would dispute that the original impetus for collegiate female fraternal organizations (e.g., to provide a support network for the extreme minority of women who were attending colleges in the late 19th and early 20th centuries) was a noble and instrumentally good thing - but can anyone seriously claim that these organizations continue to fulfill that need, or that such a need even exists when women make up at least 57% of student populations in public universities?  (The answer here, if my gentle leading-you-by-the-hand has not been enough, is "no.")

Okay, so wither their continued existence?  Well, in short, go read Max Weber or Georg Simmel or C. Wright Mills - exclusive in-groups of any kind will do what they can to make power use predictable in a fashion that ensures their continued existence and maintains advantageous power and status hierarchies.  IN OTHER LESS SNOOTY WORDS, when your organization already exists, you're gonna keep it going even if your original purpose isn't the reason for it anymore, especially if you get to feel cool and special and like totally better than everyone else.  That's right: GREEKS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN INSTITUTIONALLY-ANCHORED HIPSTERS the Greek community continues to exist because it feels like it ought to, not because it actually serves any useful purpose.  And in areas/social classes of this country where the, ahem, "prestige" associated with being Greek was a source of power for otherwise-disadvantaged classes of individuals (teh wimmens), it's not surprising that fraternal affiliation gained the status it still currently "enjoys" - EXCEPT IT IS NOW 2012 AND WOMEN ARE NOT DELICATE LADY-FLOWERS NEEDING THE PROTECTIVE CHARMS OF "SISTERHOOD." 

Obviously, the persistence of these organizations seems to suggest (rather untruthfully) otherwise - and of course they do, because what are they doing to do, be honest?  I.e., "Yes, you, as women, are empowered as never before, so we're not really necessary but if you'd like to continue paying to be a member of our club and have 'friends' it'd be really great because we have this whole infrastructure in place that we need to continue supporting rather than finding ways to actually contribute to society?"

But, no.  Instead, we get women from already-privileged socioeconomic backgrounds, who continue to enforce this undeserved social hierarchy (if not "actively" causing problems, the fact they are still participating makes them, at a minimum, part of the problem and definitely not part of the solution), women who as a result of their participation are never challenged on their assumption that their paradigm is normal and good, and as a latent effect, who fail to see any problem with saying blatantly racist things in a public forum or trumpeting their economic privilege in a situation that clearly didn't call for that information.  The lack of self-awareness kills me, and moreover, lends no credibility to the claim that these stereotypes are merely stereotypes.

(That the second sentence of Ms. Gaziano's delightful message to me was literally "What did you not get into the fraternity you wanted?" speaks to how powerfully entrenched these affiliations are for some of these women - they can't possibly understand why someone would dislike/disapprove of the Greek system unless that individual had been weighed and found wanting by said system, and therefore, any complaint could only be motivated by their failure to be accepted and of course that means the system IS FUNCTIONING PROPERLY ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.)

• And I know that Greek-affiliated people who were aware of this whole silly spat probably were offended both by the viciousness of my remarks and the implied insinuation that they themselves were being targeted for their affiliation.  Nope.  I hate the system, I was annoyed with (but at least aware of the circumstances engendering) the responses of the two individuals, but I am definitely aware of the difference between an individual and an organization.  Yes, I realize that attacking something you hold so dear as a part of your identity feels like a personal attack in some sense, but be objective about it - you are not solely the letters of your pledge pin.

• Of course, I realize that there is a sheer ludicrousness [side note: that the word is not actually "ludicrity," really bothers me far more than it should] to the assumption that arguing with/attacking a stranger, especially on the internet, will somehow bring their misguided views around to see the light.  All hopes for a sudden infusion of reason and clarity aside, we are not at that scary point of technological singularity where IRL me is ACTUALLY me to complete strangers, which means that people are going to act exactly as they would towards hostile complete strangers - i.e., be hostile right back to them.  This is the tendrils of our pre-human brain on the internet, and that's how it goes, folks (or else, trust me, trolls would be vastly less successful at what they do and Yahoo/YouTube comments sections would be sparkling bastions of enlightened discussion as opposed to their current nuclear disaster/sewer-like mutations.)  Basically, if I were to act this way in a classroom [confession: sometimes I do in a rather muted form], I'd be looked at as an immature and pedantic prick.  And I suppose it is fair to hold people to real-world standards of conversational civility in online interactions, BUT- 

...doesn't this also indicate that people who put their actual identity to things they write on the internet ought to be held to the same scrutiny as if they said it out loud?!?!

(Hey! Let's ask Ms. Gaziano, our aspiring marketing guru and resident social media "expert," what her reasoned opinion is on this matter:

"It’s twitter, people write whatever they please. It’s called social media. Get over it."

Companies of the world: DEFINITELY make sure Emily Gaziano's resume lands in your "interview" pile! You probably will not regret it!  MAYBE.  [All predictions of this blog are held to and neither express nor imply any warranty!1!1!!1])






In the end, what I've done here is write a long goddamn diarrhea of verbiage that mostly ridicules two women I've never met and know no more about than what nearly 2 minutes' worth of Google-searching could tell me.  There IS something repulsive and creepy and pathetic about a screed of this length, the effort put into something of such little consequence, a question of what deep and dark and monstrous damages I must necessarily carry with me that would drive me to do THIS WHOLE THING.

You tell me.

Of course, on the other hand:

[no but seriously you guys I need to stop being a dick and be a more generally decent and productive human being HALP]