Today In Fun Adventures With Marketing and Artist Relations Derptitude

[editor's note: I wrote this almost a year ago when I was playing with my old band.  I was recently reminded of it when I came across an earlier draft of this rant someplace else.  In any case, seeing as I'm no longer in that band and don't particularly care about any "backlash," I figured I might as well publish it.  Also worth noting: the DJ mentioned in this rant turned out to be a pretty cool guy, but the show was still fucking stupid as hell and there's no reason we should have wasted our time playing it.]

So my band is playing this show on Friday - one we've prepared for all summer and for which we've turned down other paying gigs.  Now, let me point out that this isn't our "career," by any means - but we still put time into it, into sounding good and putting on a show worth watching, so as far as I'm concerned, there is some expected value for our services rendered.

The following e-mail, however, demonstrates 1) how easily this value is lost on people and 2) misspelled passive-aggressive incompetent arrogance at its finest.

Hey guys, this is ---- -------. I work over here at ----- and i'm kind of taking care of the entertainment/marketing area of the show at --- --------- on Friday. Angela hit me up and informed me that you guys were inquiring about getting paid for your performance Friday night and that $300 would cover your costs. I just want to be upfront with where we're at with the event, our costs, and overall purpose of putting on such a large show for charity. 

Correct.  You just met us.  And this is crazy.  But we play music.  And people pay us.  Much as I imagine they pay you for your "entertainment/marketing" work.  Please, continue.

While I wasn't working for ----- at the time of last year's event, I'm decently involved with this year's production. Obviously the costs put into doing any kind of event at such a large venue like --- --------- nearly quadruple our costs from last years event at Green Square.  

Let me get this straight - the venue that you guys chose, knowing it would be more expensive, such that you could upgrade your presentation, the very one we were involved with last year, has somehow caught you by surprise by costing more than the one you used last year?  SHOCKER.

Also, this year we've brought in ------- --------- which is the charity we're trying to raise money for. With that being said, profits from ticket sales are the main income for raising said funds for the charity once our costs are covered and unfortunately this draws a very thin line between being able to cover our expenses and being able to make a donation.

Mein gott!  So you offered proceeds from an event to a charity before fully accounting for the costs of said event?  COOL!  "Hey, we'd like to have your organization be involved with us as a draw for our event and in return we'll give you the money we make from it!  You know, if we have anything left over.  But definitely let us put your name on our materials either way, okay?"

As Angela informed me, she said she would let our boss know that you guys had inquired about a payment for the show. With already being so over budget, this being so last minute, and the fact that our boss is out of town until Wednesday - I will not be able to give you an answer on if this compensation can be paid until he returns, also  with this being a last minute inquiry/expense that we did not budget for I can not promise that he will be as gracious as he was for last year's performance due to the immense expenses we already have. 

Last minute to whom?!  Did you seriously expect that our services - and let me be clear, that is what we are paid for, you know - were something we would just donate out of the kindness of our hearts?  I mean, sure, the charitable aspect of what you're putting on - IF, you know, you actually turn a profit (better cross your fingers, charity, lolz!1!!1!) - is certainly a noble thing, but we were not brought in to account for your poor budgeting, over-promising and potential under-delivering.  Then again, maybe that's why you're in "marketing."  And gracious?!  You mean it's gracious to pay people for their services?!  Man, I sure hope that your employers feel the same way about the people who "graciously" pay tuition and go into debt to afford your education.  Again - did your boss think that he had pre-paid for a subscription for us to deliver upon?

We were under the impression that ---------- was taking advantage of a great opportunity to play for a large crowd at a nice venue, with no previous mention of compensation.

HOLY FUCK.

Sorry.  I'm just... it's... so if you paid us last year to do the thing that we are doing AGAIN this year, it never ONCE crossed your collective financially-savvy feces-throwing budgetary planning operation that we might again expect payment for this year as well?  And let's go crazy here for a second and ride along with your assumption of no compensation: are you actually going to guarantee a "large crowd" at this "nice venue?"  Because if you have such a "large crowd," then how are you failing to make enough money from your ticket sales to this event?  [gasps] Unless... no... it couldn't be... did YOU NOT DO YOUR JOB, Mr. Marketing Guy?

This does factor into our boss' overall perception of having our end of the details hammered out in advance, and this may put a negative light on our personal efforts in budgeting our event over the last few months so I want to make it clear that while Angela will inquire about said payment, she may be forced to deal with the repercussions of bringing a last minute expense to the table when we're so far over budget as it is. 

AND THERE IT IS.  "This does factor into our boss' [sic] overall perception of having our end of the details hammered out in advance, and this may put a negative light on our personal efforts in budgeting our event over the last few months" - so your concern is about covering your own ass for your own failure to do your job with due diligence?  MAN, I CANNOT FATHOM WHY YOUR BOSS' [sic] (bosses? Is that what you were going for?) MIGHT BE CONCERNED ABOUT PAYING SOMEONE AND THEN NOT GETTING ANYTHING FOR THEIR MONEY.  (Which is why it totally makes sense to get something like us playing an extended show without creative control or input without paying for it.  You know, to balance things out.)

While I do not doubt that Chris our boss, would have compensated ---------- in some fashion regardless of your inquiry today I can not promise a specific amount at this time simply because he's not here to confirm anything. If this in any way hinders your involvement with the event, please let me know as soon as possible. 

Huh.  So you "do not doubt that Chris [...] would have compensated ---------- in some fashion regardless," but you felt the need to tell us that we should not expect payment?  Oh, right, the whole "GRACIOUS" thing.  Got it.

[wanking motion]

I'm extremely familiar with the music/entertainment biz for it was my past profession for nearly a decade before working for -----. I understand the costs involved in traveling, being a touring band, gear, etc.

 Without being a total tool about all of this, let me point out that the gentleman in question WAS in a band that successfully made it as an mtvU "Artist of the Week" and which was once reviewed as having, quote,

"fallen into the category of groups that cannot fully cross the “bump of originality” in the road to success.  Too often talented groups seem to fall apart, not because they don’t have quality songs but because they lack a uniquely original, overall sound." 

So there's that.  But you know what's a great way to undermine your credibility, besides that?  By claiming familiarity-based empathy and then acting in a completely opposite manner.  That's pretty neat.

 At the same time, performance fee's/riders need to be brought to the table much sooner than the week of in order to solidify a band's guarantee in advance. Like I said above, if this payment is the deciding factor on ----------'s participation on the event, I would suggest forwarding me your performance contract before Wednesday when Chris returns so that I can present it to him and it be signed before load in - for your sake and ours. 

OR MAYBE IF YOU ALL HAD DONE YOUR JOBS AND CONFIRMED YOUR EXPENDITURES WELL AHEAD OF TIME IN THE COURSE OF PLANNING, WE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DISCUSSING THIS THE WEEK OF THE EVENT, JUST MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW.

We've invested in a lot of promotion for this event weather

WAIT HOLY SHIT NO WONDER YOU HAVE NO MONEY LEFT OVER, YOU CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER, I GET IT NOW

 it be with - ---.-, --- -------, Hooplah, event T-Shirts, etc that all include your name.

Aww.  So no weather control, then?  I guess you can go ahead and junk any plans of being a successful super-villain.  (For the record: yes, misspellings are among the cheapest of jokes, I know.  I continue to give zero (0) fucks, because in this dude's case, it's a pretty wet well, if you know what I mean.  [See?!  Aquifer jokes!  Now that's something you can't buy any ol' day of the week!])

This is expensive marketing (free to you) for any artist trying to get their name out there and raise awareness on your music. 

Seriously?  You're going to pull out the "look at all the free marketing, now kneel before me and kiss my feet" card on all of this?  Everything you just described - all of the things! - are promotional techniques, channels and items that you would have, nay, should have been using in the course of doing your job as a "marketer" for the event.  Do not turn around and attempt to guilt-trip us into not being paid for our hard-to-substitute services (you did take basic economics at some point in your life, right?)  Get your Skrillex-wanna-be jockey of the discs to do our thing better than us, since he's apparently willing to work for free (read: has nothing to offer that an iTunes playlist couldn't do just as well.)

I mean, we're not, by any means, some super-good huge name or act that's going to just straight-up blow everyone's mind at any point or time.  (I am not a marketer, as you might guess.)  We're not pretending to be anything more than a working band.  But please, PLEASE, show me an example of when you could reasonably assume that you could only pay someone to deliver a service or product the one time, and then continue to receive that service or product from there on out?

We do this for fun.  Fine.  We do this because music is an important thing to us.  Fine.  We do this because it's an interesting, unconventional venue/event to perform our music at.  Sweet!

But do not come to us, attempting to swing your "I was in the music business too and this is how it's supposed to be done"/"we weren't anticipating your cost" dick around at us as if we're new to the game and easily cowed.  We don't need you like you seem to think we do - we're doing pretty well at being a little-known Iowa band without your "help," and let's be frank, your "help" is nothing more than having done your job correctly in the first place.  This isn't an opportunity for us.  This is a show.  You are basically one step removed from "pay-to-play" promoters and venue owners.  Your opportunity was to not suck at your job.  Your new opportunity is to get the hell out of our way.

With all of this being said, feel free to shoot me an email at your earliest inconvenience. I greatly appreciate your guy's time.

"Earliest inconvenience?" Oh, fuck me.  You can't even proofread your e-mails, why should I expect that you can handle this correctly?